just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize