The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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