Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
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