i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
