Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
