I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
