i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
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