just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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