i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I enjoy the company of your penis
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