Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
