Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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