I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
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Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
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The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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