I want to walk on stilts...naked
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
