just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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