I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
