So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
