and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
