i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
