I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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