Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
