i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
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