You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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