Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
