I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Randomize
