Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
