She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
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