I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
She is in my trunk
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
You need a sexual gate keeper
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Randomize
