the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
