Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
