I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Randomize
