you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
