if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Sext me about skeletons
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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