My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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