can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
His nipple licking is glorious
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