Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
