Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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