New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
