I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
