i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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