Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
