If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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