there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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