we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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