Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
