he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
