First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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