I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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