I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
