the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
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Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
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this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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