so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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