I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
