I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
