hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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