So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
