I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
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