I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I can text with my tongue
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
