I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I'm getting married
To pizza
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
