There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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